I expect there’s something to be said for talent, passion and hard work.
But not everyone has those, or feels like doing that.
The elegant swish of a well-stuffed envelope being pushed across a desk. The knowing tap of the hat-brim by a foreign policeman as he pockets 10 euro. The buying of a Kinder Surprise to just shut the fuck up crying for a minute.
CORRUPTION IS GOOD, and it is everywhere.
This is how gentlemen do business. Let’s talk.
Considering we traffic mostly in disingenuous guff that no-one believes, we aren’t half a load of prissy snowflakes about a bit of civilised backscratching.
I’d like to do my bit to switch that around.
After all, we’re talking about mutual benefit anyway. A freelancer does some advertising so you don’t have to, you give them money.
How about we take it to the next level?
I will offer inducements, bribes, kickbacks, sweeteners, baksheesh, boodles and plugolas to anyone who gives me or facilitates the giving to me of paid work.
It really is as simple as that.
It’s on a scale, of course. You wouldn’t expect to pay the same to a Scouse kid not to steal your bike as you would to a national government minister to let you build a golf course in a rainforest.
So it's turkey-talk time. This is what's on offer.
1. LOOK AT MY WEBSITE - A BADGE
Email me to let me know you have looked at my website. And don’t just say you have, for pity’s sake. Prove it.
Take a picture of yourself next to it, maybe holding that day’s newspaper or something. You people love selfies anyway. I’ve been to Instagram.
I will then send you a Corruption Is Good badge – a real, bespoke, solid physical badge, ordered by me on the actual internet – to show the world that you know how it really works.
2. A GENUINE ENQUIRY - SOME PROMOTIONAL TAT
OK, so you looked at my website. Well done. What do you want, a biscuit?*
Just gawping at my website like a zombie doesn’t get me anywhere, does it?
If someone asks me if I’m free and hints they might pay me to do some advertising and you can prove you made that happen, I will give you an item of Corruption Is Good branded merchandise.
It could be anything, and it will be of terrible quality, but look – it’s not like you made me any actual money.
Speaking of which…
*you can have a biscuit if you want. Just tell me you’d rather have a biscuit, and you can have a biscuit instead.
3. ACTUAL PAID WORK - COLD HARD CASH
If I get some work, I will kick you back ONE POUND for every day I end up working.
This will be capped at 10 pounds, because that’s just how I’m doing it.
4. PROPER AMOUNT OF WORK - A NICK-NACK
Once it gets over the 10 quid cap, I will find you a one-off thing in return for helping me out.
How good it is will depend on whether I am enjoying the work or not. If everyone’s pleasant and it’s an interesting brief, it’ll be something nice like a souvenir ashtray or a Jamaican flag. If it’s just shovelling shit or there’s undignified quibbling about my day rate or the client’s a dick, more like a can of Tyskie or something.
5. I END UP MAKING AN AWARD-WINNING AD - THE 2008 D&AD SILVER AWARD FOR THE MOST OUTSTANDING TELEVISION CAMPAIGN
I stole this off a table at Earls Court because a girl I fancied dared me to, so it wouldn’t be sad, like a soldier selling his Distinguished Service Cross.
If I win an award, I will send you an actual yellow pencil.
In the incredibly unlikely event of it happening twice, I’ll just have to steal another one. I don't mind.
All of the above are subject to availability and the whole thing not turning out to be a colossal waste of time and/or money. Terms and conditions which have yet to make themselves clear apply.